Unlovable

One of the key lessons gleaned from my studies in psychology is the importance of recognizing human behavior as more than just a facade for amusement or entertainment. In a diverse world with a wide range of temperaments, personalities, and characters, we inevitably encounter individuals who are readily embraced with affection and those who present challenges in garnering love, appearing seemingly "unlovable."

Who qualifies as an "unlovable" individual? According to our perception, it is someone who fails to acknowledge or accept us, an individual who consistently reacts with defiance and hostility, regardless of our efforts to engage with them. This individual gives the impression that our presence is tolerated out of self-interest rather than genuine affection. Being in the company of an individual who lacks genuine concern for us can create a hostile atmosphere, as each interaction serves as a poignant reminder of a lack of esteem and acceptance. Nevertheless, the reality remains that there have been instances in which each of us has exhibited characteristics that may be perceived as unlovable. The challenge lies in accurately identifying the moment when such an occurrence happened within our experience. This is only accomplished when an individual communicates their observation of our unlovable behavior with us.

I am confident that each individual reading this article can relate to encountering someone who, in their perception, has been labeled as unlovable—you are likely forming a mental image of someone as you read these words. To some of you, a sense of pain ensues thinking of the individual in question because you lack the ability to know how to interact with them. Allow me to interject here by emphasizing that the inability to engage with an individual effectively does not imply that they are challenging or problematic; rather, it signifies that they are different and you lack the understanding of how to interact with them. Consider the scenario where the unlovable individual is a parent, son, daughter, or spouse. The pain experienced can be excruciating.

"Eyes that do not see produce a heart that does not feel."

But what is love? While some may argue that it is a universal concept, such a statement is subjectively superficial, lacking depth and direction, and ultimately leads to ambiguity—a hollow subtlety. Love is not an innate sentiment. Storge (Greek for "love") is a form of love characterized by a natural or instinctual affection, expressed as the love between siblings or a parent and child, and is commonly referred to as familial love. Love evokes feelings of joy. Love eludes precise definition within the confines of human comprehension, as its origin transcends human boundaries. Where, why, how, when, and what is the source of love? The Creator of this world and everything in it. ...God is love.—1 John 4:8 He defines, standardizes, and describes it as being the following:

Love is patient,

Love is kind,

Love does not envy,

Love does not boast,

Love is not proud,

Love does not dishonor others,

Love is not self-seeking,

Love is not easily angered,

Love keeps no record of wrongs,

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth,

Love always protects,

Love always trusts,

Love always hopes,

Love always perseveres,

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

When considering love from God's perspective, how do we evaluate our own capacity for love in relation to those who may be perceived as unlovable? Indeed, there is a substantial amount of work that needs to be addressed in our own personal lives to have the capability of loving the "unlovable" individual. The challenge lies not in interacting with an unlovable individual but rather in addressing the impact that such a person has on us. Consider who truly serves as the common denominator influencing the relationship: is it the individual perceived as unlovable, or is it ourselves? Feeling unaccepted is feeling rejection. Feeling unwanted is feeling excluded. Feeling devalued is equivalent to feeling worthless, which can lead to feelings of unhappiness. The pursuit of acceptance is a fundamental human need that is universally sought after. It fosters a feeling of inclusion that resonates with one's sense of purpose.

For some individuals, the prospect of encountering an unlovable person may evoke apprehension, prompting them to consider the most appropriate course of action as disengaging from the situation. For some individuals, developing a mental strategy for engaging with unlovable people before the interaction can be a helpful approach to interpersonal communication. A struggle begins when that method becomes increasingly exhaustive over time. To what extent do we demonstrate patience when faced with individuals who may not be easily loved, and are we able to prioritize their needs over our own? How do we extend kindness to those who may not receive it elsewhere? It is crucial that we show compassion towards those individuals, as our actions may be their only exposure to kindness. Rather than merely boasting about our kindness towards them, it is essential that our gestures are genuine and not merely lip service. Furthermore, we should not let our pride be wounded if these individuals respond with coldness, causing us to speak ill of them behind their backs. It is essential that we refrain from dishonoring them simply due to a lack of understanding. The discomfort we may experience from their behavior could stem from our own desire for acknowledgment or validation. While anger is a natural response to such situations, true love should guide our interactions, preventing anger from dictating our behavior. Instead of keeping a tally of their wrongdoings, it is more constructive to focus on fostering empathy and understanding toward those who may be perceived as unlovable. Do you feel a sense of joy whenever notified about an instance of the "unlovable" person's mishaps? How much effort do you make to protect the "unlovable" person, whether it be their dignity or reputation? Where does your sense of trust lie when you exhibit distrust towards individuals deemed as "unlovable"? How do you demonstrate hope toward the "unlovable" person offering

Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

Every person possesses a unique personal experience that shapes each individual historical narrative, affecting their mindset. One who has experienced a life of trauma and crises will often resort to self-protection and distrust toward others. While others become obstinate, hardened, rebellious, and guarded in their interactions with others. Both expressions are viewed as unlovable, unapproachable, and, to an extent, unworthy. Sometimes, they label themselves as the "black sheep" or the "ugly duckling" of the family because they have experienced much pushback from family and others. As a Pastoral Counselor, I see many of these individuals in my office, understanding that beyond the surface, there is a wounded individual, many times a child, who in my office, appears as a grown adult that is still living in their past childhood memories of abuse, abandonment, and neglect; unable to enjoy their present life. The drive to survive prompts them to make transformative changes in their character, attitudes, and behaviors to cope with life. Many of these individuals resort to anesthetizing the pain of "unseen wounds" by spiraling into substance abuse and self-indulgent behaviors that cater to unsatisfied needs.

Others isolate into their respective ideologies, creating a new narrative because the one they were born into was destroyed by insidious individuals who were entrusted with the care of their person yet became the abusers, abandoners, and agents of neglect failing to demonstrate, articulate, or provide "love." I have cried and laughed alongside these clients, empathizing with the pain they express in their stories.

Why am I writing about "unlovable" individuals? Because unless you know the story of their behavior, attitudes, and character, you reader DO NOT have the right to criticize, pass judgment, or question their decisions. Each individual has a distinct story to tell about why they carry the "homeless" sign on the street corner or why they wear their heart on their sleeve, with a look of contempt, indignation, sternness, or sadness. Underneath the broken or hardened heart is someone who needs love.

Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8 NIV

The person who best exemplified loving the "unlovable" was Jesus Christ. He broke bread with the marginalized and people of ill repute. He graciously welcomed second-class citizens, those who were not worthy to be remembered, recorded, or accounted for as human beings. He overlooked and dismissed the arrogant, conceited hypocrites. There is no love greater than His love, who, with one cross, demonstrated it, in two seconds said, "I love you," and with three nails proved it. He defended the adulterous woman caught in the act (John 8:1-11). He accepted a tax collector (Matthew 9:9-13), a despicable individual known for over-taxing his own people and hated by the Jews. He healed the leprous man (Matthew 8:1-4), someone who was ostracized by the public because of a contagious medical condition that physically disfigured him. He forgave Peter, one of his closest disciples, after Peter denied him three times (Matthew 26:69-75), (Mark 16:6-7, John 21:15-17). He commemorated the actions of the woman who anointed his feet with oil after she was criticized for using expensive spikenard oil. He released a woman from a crippling bondage of 18 years that kept her in a bent-over posture (Luke 13:10-16). He honored a Syrophoenician woman who requested liberation for her daughter (despite coming from a paganistic Canaanite background) who demonstrated more faith than the Jews (Mark 7:24-30)

Yet the most astounding demonstration of Jesus Christ happened while he was nailed to the cross. His first words after being betrayed by one of his own disciples (Matthew 26:47-50), spit in his face and punched the face (Matthew 26:67-68), flogged by the command of Pontius Pilate (John 19:1), and receiving the mockery of a crown of thorns donned by Roman soldiers (John19:2) was "FATHER FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO." (Luke 23:34).

Who does that? Someone who loves unconditionally. Someone who looks beyond the shield of self-protection. Someone who desires to release you from the bondage of a personal fortress where you, the "unlovable," remain isolating yourself from the possibility of another disappointment from another human being. HE WILL NOT FAIL YOU. His name is Jesus Christ.